” I’m Not A Professional Photographer, But…”


And that is the point at which the customer in the camera shop defines the moment. I hold my breath waiting for completion of that line. As the sentence finishes I know how bad – or good – it will be. Here is the next phrase:

1. ” I want a good camera.”

Well, there you go, eh? Not a bad camera that will leave you remorseful and gasping for air. A good camera. We can do that, if you meet the criteria; one eye to see with and one finger to press a shutter button. And a credit card to pay for the wretched thing. Eeeeeeee…

2. ” I know this photographer…”

We know him too. Little goatee moustache. Leased BMW. Birkenstocks. Opinion about everything including Armenian independence and the molecular weight of Sodium. Has his own website and a PayPal account. Couldn’t take a picture of a Hyundai with a Hasselblad if his life depended on it.

3. ” I’ve been to TAFE or Uni…”

So have we. The coffee shop did a nice trade in capucchinos, éclairs, and spotty girls who would go to bed with you for a little attention. Don’t give your real name.

4. ” I read on the net…”

Oh. Dear. God. This is punishment for the coffee shop at Uni, isn’t it?

5. ” I know the owner of the shop…”

So do we. If you are looking for a discount, go hump his leg. If you are looking for sympathy,  bleed at the eye sockets.

6. ” I know what I want to do.”

God bless you. You have my entire attention. Tell me what you want to do and I’ll guarantee that we can make it happen for you. You are 50% of the way there already.

7. ” I am a professional counterfeiter.”

Let me get the copy stands and the macro lenses out. Would you like a coffee?

8. ” I am from Peppermint Grove…”

Will that be the 50% Old Money discount or the 75% Nouveau Riche discount? Have you got your Schnorrer’s Club card?

9. ” I’ve been sent by The Department…”

Just place the purchase order on the counter and stand back. I don’t want you to be injured.”

10. ” Mate…”

Go and mate with yourself.



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