Phasebook

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Hi There!. It’s “Click” Bates – your social media reporter here! You’ll remember me from such posts as  ” You’ll Never Believe Where This Ballerina Keeps Her Clawhammer ” and ” When I Saw What This Biker Did To This Other Biker I Just Lost it ” *.

Now that the catchpenny season is well and truly with us we’ll all be thinking about new ways of generating disposable income. Just beating up strangers on the train and fawning on rich women may not yield enough to keep us going through winter – we need to exercise the old brains. What better than to go through the old hard drive and get out some of the images that I like to call ” Moneytakers “.

I don’t mean art shots that you can sell to calendar companies or or little kitten pictures that you can sell to greeting card makers. There are far too many of these out there as it is and yours will never make the lightest impression. Trying to sell postcards at flea markets is old – all you’ll do is give your spare cash to the market organisers.

What you want is embarrassing pictures. Pictures of your friends at their worst – or in the case of Oktoberfest pictures, at their wurst. Post a mild one to start with and tag someone in it and then send them a thinly-veiled threat to publish the whole set unless they pay you in cash. Better still, send the threat further out through the network until it reaches complete strangers. Money is money. take where you can

You must follow the Facebook, Twitter, Google, Flicker, and Pinterest guidelines implicitly – no obscene images or things likely to provoke the masses. Right…this means no nipples and no overt support for the Prime Minister. You can use innuendo as freely as you like and traduce whoever as long as your opinion coincides with that of the controller of the particular site that you are using.

If you are threatened in return find a third party to blame for the original trouble and suggest that you all gang up and beat up on them. Or blame George Bush – this is has been popular for years and does no harm at all. Indeed, President Bush derives a tidy retirement income from acting as a punching bag for liberal spite. It is of so little consequence that he can afford to travel with a fairground dunking booth and has only been splashed once.

Payment can be a tricky thing as bags of cash left behind the gas tank at the local Shell station are likely to be interfered with. Pay Pal has a service that will allow the victim to use their credit card to pay up to $ 5000 a month in hush money and they only charge a 1.5% commission on it.

Try to give some little token of appreciation to the people who buy you off. Key fobs with ” I’ve Been Blackmailed ” are a bit cheesy but everyone appreciates a good thumb drive  with a logo on the outside and if you can put a virus on the inside disguised as a Grumpy Cat jpeg well so much the better.

* Relax. I found it again.

 

 

 

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