Okay, lets see if that brings us some more readers. It always sold petrol and tinned spaghetti in the 1950’s so there is no reason it should not sell a weblog column now. I’ve had a lot of experience with sex. Lot of experience. I am one of them myself. I’ve got chromosomes and organs and hormones and everything necessary for sexing up sex.
Of course I realise that there will be limits. There are some places that people are not supposed to look – Ceduna in South Australia would be a prime example – and no matter how loose morals get no-one is willing to risk the law. At least not if they are not prepared to pay the price. And you can get a list of the prices by writing to Box 4450 North Perth.
The books that advise people on how to win at social media have a number of ploys that they say will increase readership. Lists are one of the things, and links to other people’s websites are another. The latter is always more difficult that you care to pursue, but the former is available to everyone. You just make ten-points of something that is the best or worst of something else and people are suckers for reading the entire thing. If you make the stuff controversial, people will be sore enough to write in and abuse you – if it is really good or has pictures of a cat injuring a child, you can expect a tenfold increase in views.
So here’s the list of the ten best sex:
a. Sex with international award-winning superstar mentor legends. You’ll know who these are by reading the trade journals that tell you which award they were awarded with by the people who award awards.
b. Sex with Presidents while they are in office. Expect dry cleaning.
c. Sex talk with sex therapists who cure people of their fear of talking about sex. And get paid for it. Probably out of public money. And you thought John Dillinger was dead…
d. Sex toys made by Lego. Okay, I admit the sharp corners are a little daunting at first but you can get some really amazing colours and as long as you are prepared to risk the thing flying apart in your hands…or in other places…you can have a good time.
e. Sex for pay under the full glare of three high-intensity halogen lamps while being filmed by someone with a Black Magic camera and big zoom lens. If there is no music, one of the camera operators can make Bow Chicka Wow sounds.
f. Sex overseas in a resort that smells like a combination of old fish and bleach. Humidity, flies, and street hawkers are also necessary for the ambiance, and if you can arrange for a local paramilitary militia to confiscate your passport and credit cards during the sex it is even better.
g. Sex in the back seat of a large Dodge sedan. Or, if you are kinky enough, sex with the back seat of a large Dodge sedan.
h. Sex in a rain forest. With mist, soap bubbles, the cry of kookaburras on a background tape, and the timely discovery that the bushes have ticks.
i. Telephone sex in an area that has extremely poor reception. When the sound fades they inevitably ask you to come again…Stop after an hour or you’ll go blind.
j. Sex in spite of itself. Sex on a non-nonsense basis. Sex that gets down, in, out, up, and off and then writes a report about it. Sex with no holds barred and no barred holes. Sex that requires no filler or sanding between coats. Sex that can be measured with a torque wrench. Sex with no artificial preservatives, flavours, or use-by date.
Please note: no sex was harmed in the making of this weblog column.