The Naked Truth

naked-truthOdd phrase, that – The Naked Truth. While convention and elegance refers to people with no clothing on as ” nude ” rather than ” naked “, we have never seen ” The Nude Truth ” except as a headliner in girlie magazines. I suppose it would be equally hard to sell ” The Pin-up Truth “. Still, it would be easier to get that onto Facebook than the full monty…

Here’s an alphabet of photographic words and phrases with their clothes off so you can see what they really look like. Some are from the retail trade and some from the art side of it. Don’t feel ashamed of looking but please do not touch.

a. ” I’ll think about it.”

Said after an inconclusive sales presentation, this translates to ” I won’t think about it.”. At best it can be a code for  ” I will go away and see if Harvey Norman or JB Hifi sell this stuff “.

b. ” I have a friend …”

This means ” My friend bought something from Harvey Norman or JB Hifi and I want one too, but better and cheaper…”

c. ” My friend said…”

This translates to ” I am going to pretend my friend said I am supposed to get this stuff at 59% discount. I’ll just watch you out of the corner of my eye while I say it to see whether you’ll fall for it…”.

d. ” Bokeh. ”

Out of focus area round the back of the picture. When you have no idea what you are doing it is round the front of the picture.

e. ” Chromatic aberration. ”

You bought the discount add-on wide-angle attachment in Hong Kong, didn’t you? If the chromatic aberration with it is bad enough you never need to buy coloured gels for your studio stobes…makes lovely green and magenta edges.

f. ” Nude. ”

Naked.

g. ” Dynamic. ”

Blurred.

h. ” Artistic. ”

Fuzzy, blurred, and naked, with green and magenta fringes.

i. ” Iconic ”

Done once a long time ago and then done to death by every photographic student since.

g. ” Game Changer ”

The sort of equipment, technique, or artist that extinguishes most of your desire to take pictures. Like a losing chess player who throws the board off the table.

h. ” New Wave “.

Old wave, new sucker.

i. ” Virtual. ”

Fake. With a lithium battery.

j. ” Algorithm.”

Calculated guess.

k. ” Professional model.”

Sold to anyone who has a credit card.

l. ” Enthusiast model.”

Sold to anyone who has a credit card.

m. ” Entry-level model. ”

Sold to anyone who has a credit card. Half the size, weight, and price of the other two classes of equipment. Makes better pictures on automatic than you do.

n. ” Beta testing. ”

Turning someone loose with a box full of bugs and counting the bites on their arms when they bring it back.

o. ” Cutting edge technology.”

And that beta box is full of venomous bugs…

p. ” Warranty .”

Commercial wager.

q. ” Designer style.”

One of the models has a brown leather cover and the designer’s signature stamped somewhere. As does the camera she’s holding…

r. ” Wireless.”

Two batteries, three apps, and a 14-character password later, you can see your picture on your phone.

s. ” GPS.”

Stand out in the alleyway waving your camera to see if three satellites will tell you where the hell you are.

t. ” Street photographer.”

Tourist pest.

u. Retro lens design.”

Junk lens revived with a different barrel.

v. ” Standard of the industry.”

Well, when you think about it, sewage treatment plants operate to the standard of their industry too, don’t they…

w. ” Contemporary design. ”

Same as everyone else.

x. ” Ground breaking technology .”

The designs that we found in the trash cans of our competitors.

y. ” User-friendly.”

Sealed.

z. ” Safe. ”

Low powered with rounded edges, and light enough that you can drop it on a bare foot.

 

 

 

 

 

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