Dearly Beloved, we are gathered here in the sight of the state government and a nest of relatives to join this man and this woman in matrimony. If we were to use the word patrimony there would be a scream from social media feminists that would peel the paint from a battlecruiser. Nevertheless, matri or patri you can bet that a great deal of money has been involved.
Marriage is an honourable institution, and frequently the cooking suggests institutions. Nevertheless, this man and this woman have elected to enter into it. Courage is always inspiring, and if the wurst comes to the worst there is always Gaviscon.
Who giveth this woman? Who giveth this man? Who just likes to hear the word giveth in a rich fruity voice? Stick around – I do Thee and Thou later on.
I am required to ask of the congregation if any amongst Thee ( there’s one ) knows of any reason why these two may not lawfully marry. You must declare it now and rolling your eyes or sucking your teeth does not count.
Will you take her to be your wife? Will you take him to be your husband? Will you both plan privately to hog the covers, pick out the best bits from the chocolate box, and dodge cleaning the oven as long as you both shall live?
You may make your vows. Glare if you must but at each other.
Is there a ring? More than one ring? Enough fingers to go round? Right, Thou, ( See ? Bingo. ) find a spare finger and ring it. You can wring your entire hands later on when I present my bill.
In the presence of the state government and in the slightly wry faces of this congregation I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss.
Someone wake up the photographer, please.