New Computer – Old Operating System

I often fantasise about a licence to print money. I also fantasise about scantily-clad ladies and plates of cheese and biscuits but that is none of your business. My cheese – my biscuits.

If I really want to do something about the first dream I should introduce a new computer to the photographic world. Nothing too flash, mind – I do not want people queuing up outside my front door trying to get free wifi in the morning. It’s bad enough when the cat brings half chewed rats – the last thing I want is half chewed computer geeks.

My computer will be aimed at the seniors market. A computer with large keys. Heated in winter, too, though with the way some products use lithium batteries that should not be a real problem. It will have a smaller than normal screen but with bigger than normal typeface. Hell, we have tunnel vision anyway – all I have to do is get the pixels to steer round the cataracts and I’ll be on a winner.

The computer will feature an on/off switch that resembles an old-fashioned light switch. When you flick it, something happens. It will not be necessary to have the thing ask whether you want to shut it off – too many damn questions anyway.

There will be no passwords on the system. None of us can remember squat as it is, and as soon as we memorise a new one the computers change. Even tattooing the password on our foreheads so that we can look into the mirror and remember is futile – the sun spots obscure the numbers and letters. No, to get exclusive entry into the new computer all you have to do is type in the name of the Prime Minister the night after the budget. MUD is a very simple code.

Want to access porn on the net? Want to bet on-line? Want to order pizza or watch videos of Kim Kardashian? Not on this computer. It is factory-blocked for these and thousands of other sleazy and pointless activities. A religious message will be flashed whenever you try to access anything even slightly horrible. When you try to watch Proceedings From Parliament it will make sympathetic noises and call the mental heath department.